Film of my life

Spent the morning at glamorous Cabot Circus and Quaker's Friars doing some filming for the documentary version of this blog, which is being made very professionally by the exceedingly talented Kirsty Hemming, of Boxing Bear films.
I decided before I launched myself into this mission that it might be good to film this 12 months in a documentary, because obviously the idea of making a film about my life is far too tempting to resist, but also I thought that if I succeed in all I'm trying to do then it will be worth recording and hopefully could be used to help others in a similar position rise to their own challenges.
So as well as the video diary bits that I have been doing myself, Kirsty has been doing proper filming, with the assistance/help/collaboration of the equally talented Richard Nicholls.
Since day 1 she has been recording everything from sitting on my arse watching the marathon in April talking up the idea of running it next year, to training runs, visits to the doctor, working out in the gym, my elation at completing the 10k in May, my depression at my dismal performance in the half marathon and lots of other things.
Today we were looking at the wider issues related to being overweight and that fat blokes can feel uncomfortable and isolated walking round clothes shops where you have to be a skinny 16-year-old boy to get into any of the clothes.
I can't remember if I've said this before, but I bitterly remember one time going into John Lewis to buy a new suit as I was heading to the wedding of a very good couple of friends. I wanted to get a shirt that fitted properly so the 19-year-old rake-like sales assistant measured my neck, which at the time admittedly was as wide as the Sargasso sea. When he looked at how far the tape measure had gone he looked at me and said: 'It says 18.5", I don't think we do shirts that big'. This was a few years ago and I was still very much in denial and the thought that I had outgrown the entire shirt stock of the John Lewis store at Cribbs Causeway caused me some hurt as well as mild embarrassment. So I headed to M & S instead, where they know their customers and had a fine array of shirts for short fat men.
It was that sort of thing that made me realise for the first time just how far out of the norm you get when your weight goes up through the late teens.
I did buy a new suit, and a new shirt and tie, and funnily enough it just looked like a fat man in a very large suit. The jacket was made with so much material that refugees were pitching camps in it waiting for the winter to pass.
But getting clothes to fit properly and accepting I needed to buy bigger clothes, was a much better approach to dealing with obesity than pretending it wasn't happening and wondering why my trousers would burst at the button or split at the back with the merest movement. Wearing black t-shirts only goes so far, in the same way that building a zeppelin airship in black does little to reduce the appearance of mass.
I have to say that it is only very recently that I have felt confident in going out socially again. For many months, if not years, I felt insecure and awkward going out to the pub or to parties, although I would always be happy to go and see friends for dinner, not just to eat. I couldn't stand going out with people I didn't know because in my mind when they met me for the first time all they would think about is meeting that fat bloke, not who I am.
I don't know for sure, maybe that's all in my head, but it's how I felt. And it's the same going into clothes shops, trying things on and knowing they're really not designed for somebody my size. So you stay out of them and continue to wear big baggy shirts and tracksuits which really don't do very much for anybody.
Of course, the answer to all this is to stop whining like the fat kid in the playground and do something about it, which is what I am doing. And that is also why I'm looking forward to spending a fortune in trendy clothes shops once I've completed the marathon training.
The filming went well this morning and after that I did almost all of my Christmas shopping, in Broadmead! So much for Cabot Circus and QF, get down the 'mead where it's a proper job!